Simultaneously

Today my babygirl is three months old and my maternity leave is wrapping up. I go back to work on Monday and I really don't want to. I've been applying to jobs and was really excited about one where I could have worked with Mellon again but found out a few hours ago it's unlikely I'll get an offer. They wanted someone with more management experience... Hopefully this go around I can strike a better balance with my boss and not feel so micromanaged, unappreciated and disrespected.

I really can't believe she's already three months old. These last few months have gone by too quickly yet pregnancy feels like a lifetime ago. When people ask how it's been I keep feeling the need to acknowledge that I've never experienced something that is simultaneously so many opposites. The time went fast but also felt like forever, some of it comes so easy while other parts are the hardest things I've ever done, one minute I feel like I'm crushing it and the next like I'm completely failing. I love being her mom but I hate not sleeping. I feel a distance with many of my friends and family, but the closest I've ever been with my mom and fellow mom's. It's definitely hard holding space for all these conflicting feelings.

The end of pregnancy was dramatic to say the least. My elevated heart rate combined with the fluid in my heart caused the need for additional monitoring during labor. My original doctor and hospital could not accommodate this so two weeks before due date I'm finding a new doctor and hospital. Ended up having to go to the University of Maryland Medical Center and after an initial misunderstanding where we thought they were going to induce me on the 3rd, I had to go back on the 7th for a slew of tests. Luckily we thought to ask the chances of coming back and not leaving until she was here and took the nurse's warning of "not zero" seriously. After getting to the hospital at 10 in the morning and being carted around between OB and cardio I had a second high blood pressure reading and they decided around 4:30 that afternoon that I needed to be induced but they still weren't sure if I could labor naturally or if I'd need a C-section. So we had packed bags in the car but there were a few things we needed and the dog needed accomodations. Lovey left to meet his parents and they took Storm for the week and my sister came and met me at the hospital. Finally at like 6:30 they decided I could try a natural delivery but I would be required to get an epidural just in case I needed a C-section should my heart not behave. My entire care team agreed, it was best I not go under general anesthesia. So we were finally moved from a triage room to labor & delivery and able to get a bit more comfortable. It took a while for anyone to come see us after that, there were some emergencies and active deliveries going on by then.

Eventually around 11:30pm that night they gave me my first dose of this little tiny white pill they referred to as "miso" and shoved it up my hoohah. It's purpose is to soften the cervix and start dilation, which should then signal to my body to begin labor. A little over four hours later I still wasn't dilated, so they gave me another pill. So basically Monday into Tuesday I didn't really sleep at all with them checking my vitals and such regularly. By 10:30am I was 2cm dilated and they were getting ready to use a Foley balloon which is basically a little balloon on either side of your cervix that they then blow up to create enough pressure for it to dilate further and isn't very comfortable. They're in the middle of explaining the procedure when I get an intense contraction and then my water breaks and I start shaking uncontrollably. Apparently that's normal and due to a rush of labor hormones, so I didn't have to use the balloon! I labored until I was six cm dilated and initially hoped to go longer, but the contractions were super clustered, and relentless and I got nervous about being able to sit still long enough for the epidural especially if it took a while for them to get to me. I was lucky though, they came within twenty minutes and set it up perfectly - I maintained full control of my legs and even though I was now restrained to the bed, I was able to switch up positions as I needed and was chilling enough to have a Popsicle.

Even after the epidural my contractions were still coming super fast and they figured the second dose of "miso" had super charged it, so they gave me something else that made my heart POUND but only for a few minutes and then everything leveled out. Eventually they were getting worried again because baby girl's heart was decelerating and my position changes were no longer being effective and started talking about pitocin or other drugs. They came in to check around 11pm and talk options but I was fully dilated and it was time to push! The lights had been off for hours as I tried to get rest so we asked to keep off as much as possible but they said they needed the spotlight so I requested my shades lol

My sister had brought a speaker and had been playing very chill music but once they gave me the go she popped on some labor playlist that started with Push It haha The vibe of the room was excellent, nurses were dancing, I was bopping my feet between contractions and I'm not sure I could have asked for a better experience. A little over an hour of pushing and she was SO close, they had me pushing in specific intervals, on a contraction hold my breath and push for ten then pause and repeat for a total of three before waiting for the next contraction. However I could feel that body was wanting to breath through it all, and push for longer stretches so when crowned and went back and forth like four times I exclaimed "I'm tired of this whack-a-mole bullshit" cracking everyone up and then said "I can't do this anymore" meaning I needed to just push through this part and not wait for another contraction. So I was like "I'm doing it!" and just pushed for how long I wanted twice and whoosh biggest feeling of relief and she was here! July 9th, 12:44am 2025.